9 and 1/2 weeks

Next week I have to go back to work. They would give me more time. But I need to go back. We’ve done really well with money while I was out, we hardly had to dip into savings at all, and now it is time for me to start earning money again. My blue computer bag has been sitting in the extra room the entire time I've been home and the alarm on my clock is still set for when we had to be at the hospital at 5am.

It sucks. I was able to take 16 weeks with Mary, she was a nice hearty 4 months old when I went back. She was on a schedule already, I knew when she needed to eat, what to expect at night. I felt we were in engrained in our relationship.

Pearl is only 9 weeks. I feel we are still getting acquainted to each other. I still don’t know when she needs to sleep, she just sleeps when I can get her to sleep. I don’t know how many times she will wake up at night. We are still in the fourth trimester and she is still figuring out this life outside the womb. I made Brian promise to just hold her if she needs to be held – I feel it is important at this stage.

I’m not really sure who I am abandoning more; Brian or Pearl. I feel for Brian because he’s going to be thrown into the hot seat with two little girls and no boobs to offer comfort. I’ve told him that it is all just going to be up for grabs for a few months and it’s okay if the laundry doesn’t get folded, the dishes aren’t done and that we have cereal again for dinner. We’ll figure it out.

For Pearl, I feel I’m leaving her day-to-day life before she knows who I am. Will this affect our relationship long term? Mary knew who I was when I went back, I got smiles from her all day. Pearl is just starting to smile now, her personality starting to emerge and here I go…I’m worried this sweet little girl will think her Mommy left her. I promise to hold her all night if that is what she needs when I get home.

On the flipside, I do have to be thankful. Thankful that these two sweet girls still get to stay home with their Daddy. Thankful that I have a great job to go back to. Thankful that I can work from home if I absolutely need to and if I show up late after a long, wakeful night, it’s okay.

I’m Thankful for the 9.5 weeks, because some Mommies don’t even get that long.

Thankful for getting to smell this soft, fuzzy head. 
I love my family so much, I'm so thankful to have them to come home to.